Grieving While Physical Distancing
A post from our Partners at the UF/IFAS Extension Office for Hernando County
Scott E. Taylor
Family and Consumer Science Agent
Attitudes toward life and death are often portrayed through burial customs. Much of what we have learned about the history of humankind has been gained from studying tombs and the way various cultures have disposed of their dead. Burial customs provide information about the value placed on life, social and religious customs, health and longevity, and wealth of both the individual and the general population.
From prehistoric times to the present, humankind has devoted considerable attention to the transition from life to death through rituals based on culture, religion, and popular beliefs. Such practices continue presently. Rituals differ according to cultures, religions, and geographic boundaries. They use different types of observances. For example, burial practices in India are quite different from those in Spain, and Spanish funerals are different from those conducted in North America. Even within a nation, there are differences. Think for a moment of the many ethnic, cultural, and religious groups that comprise the United States. Each has some customs that are unique to that specific group.
Although customs vary among ethnic, religious, and cultural groups in the U.S., there are also similarities. Many of these similarities are the result of laws and regulations that apply to all groups in a consistent manner. Most of these laws and regulations are designed to benefit the general public and span a continuum from requiring that graves and cemeteries be undisturbed to the licensing of funeral directors.
In spring 2020, the COVID-19 pandemic changed, at least temporarily, how we grieve and say goodbye to our loved ones. Though we have adjusted to physical distancing, the six-foot rule, and other constraints associated with this virus, the adjustments we have had to make in the grieving process are difficult to accept. The virus has not only “invaded” our daily lives, it has forced us to alter the way we mourn death.
Mourning death has traditionally been reserved as time when family and community convene to grieve, but in many instances that is no longer safely feasible. At best, the family may have familial comfort for a couple of days but even then, it is extremely limited. And to postpone or cancel the funeral service eliminates the closure and immediacy for a family still reeling from the loss of a loved one.
As a result of this virus, funerals are a different experience for grieving families and a mortuary industry tasked to serve them. The National Funeral Directors Association, the world’s largest network of funeral professionals, has offered its industry workers a plethora of resources since the outbreak, but many challenges remain.
State regulations limiting crowd size to prevent the rapid spread of the virus run contrary to the purpose of a funeral: a means for people to convene. Imagine having to decide which grandkids are invited to attend a funeral, or deciding not to attend because of fear of viral contamination. There is also the conflict within the individual who wants to be there for family but fears the risk of exposure to the COVID-19 virus. Wanting to be there to comfort and listen to a parent or sibling but also knowing that shared time can expose all persons present to anyone there who has the virus. What if a family member is an Essential Employee, first responder, or healthcare worker? Do they need less comforting? Furthermore, what if the cause of death is COVID-19? How are mourning family members to deal with the exposure – how is the body prepared to guarantee safety? CDC guidance states, “There is currently no known risk associated with being in the same room at a funeral or visitation service with the body of someone who died of COVID-19.” However, the CDC also notes, “People should consider not touching the body of someone who has died of COVID-19.”
As with any gathering or event, the local funeral home should check with local health officials to determine whether there are any prohibitions on holding public events, such as a visitation or funeral. Some states or cities have begun restricting public gatherings; these restrictions take precedence. As an extra layer of precaution for those they serve, as well as their staff, many are reminding families how to prevent the spread of COVID-19. A recommendation to families is to stay home if sick or at high risk for contracting COVID-19, social distancing, washing hands, and covering coughs and sneezes.
Another challenge caused by this pandemic is, how we should handle the use of pens for people signing a guestbook? Consider putting hand sanitizer next to the register book with a sign encouraging its use before signing. The sign could say something such as: We kindly request you be mindful of the COVID-19 (coronavirus) situation and the health and safety of everyone here today. Please use the hand sanitizer provided before signing the register book. Another option is to suggest the family designate one individual to stand at the register book to record the names of individuals as they enter. Urge people to sign the guest book online using a mobile device; consider creating a QR code to take guests directly to the guest book (free online QR code generators are readily available online).
These are not the kinds of decisions many of us have ever prepared ourselves to make. The loss of a loved one creates many raw emotions due to its very nature. Now add the stress of trying to decide who, if anyone, will attend the service, or if local or state regulations will even permit it to proceed. An already very difficult time becomes even harder on everybody.
For some, funeral services are canceled or postponed while families and funeral-service industry workers wait for restrictions to be lifted.
The inability to conduct funerals in churches or chapels is another big change that has come about since the physical distancing efforts to combat the virus. It’s not what any of us are used to, and it’s a lot to ask for families to be that understanding.
Some families may choose to postpone a service for their loved one, with the family holding a celebration of life and get together at a later date. Though this is one solution, there are unintended consequences of such a decision. The widow/widower may still be under statewide lockdown as part of the effort to control the virus spread through nursing homes, assisted living, and skilled nursing facilities. It’s difficult for survivors who have lost the love of their life. Families can’t visit the facility. Though they may understand the reasons why, having to face that reality is heartbreaking.
Those who opt to proceed with funeral services as the virus continues to rage have options to honor the deceased. Internet-based technology plays a critical role in implementing group gatherings online for funeral plans and arrangements as well as for services. Before COVID-19, the pre-funeral planning often took place in the funeral home, where family members could be together as they discussed details and remembered their loved one. The same funeral home then served as the setting for calling hours or a viewing as others joined with the family to mourn and celebrate. The internet may also be utilized for streaming of services, also allowing groups of people to participate from different locations. Though this option lacks the intimacy of a funeral home or place of worship, streaming is a modern choice for those who decide to hold a service right away. Though the technology is not new for the industry, it’s certainly receiving more attention with the coronavirus outbreak. Funeral directors are trying to minimize the impact, as they are a public-facing business and realize funeral services are typically attended by families. They have had to change to serve families as best they can. Some said their businesses will offer memorial services at a later date at no extra charge if a client opts for cremation. Many will plan a small, family graveside service now, as well as another service later for additional mourners when the coronavirus cloud has passed. A big part of their business is to accommodate and be adaptable, and that comes in so many forms and circumstances. These are unprecedented times, especially where death is involved. Thus, each circumstance is certainly unique.